


Homecoming

by Parched_Dreamer



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (Anime & Manga)
Genre: AU, Adult Content, Angst, College, Drama, F/F, Romance, Sexual Frustration (ish), Shoujo-ai, Yuri, otp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-10-22 07:31:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17658605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Parched_Dreamer/pseuds/Parched_Dreamer
Summary: After nearly two years of radio silence from Makoto, Ami comes face-to-face once again with the woman she loves. But absence can also make the heart grow bitter.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own any of the characters. Comments, laments, and torments are all equally appreciated. Enjoy!
> 
> Songs included in this fic:  
> What Is Love? - Haddaway  
> Someone Like You - Dinah Carroll/Van Morrison

A night at The Crown. It’s a Friday and the bar is packed. The patrons are young, all tight pants and eager smiles, reveling, mirthful shadows flitting through panes of orange light. A band plays on stage, their repertoire nothing original but fitting for the occasion. Covers of high school hit songs and some oldies sprinkled in between. The dred-headed singer croons with his eyes closed, his arms open in a gesture of blessing.

Away from the lights in a corner, she sits at a booth with her friends. They’re gunning for another round, and she nods at their suggestion to wave over a server. She’s deep into three cranberry vodkas, but tonight, Ami doesn’t care.

She looks up, swirling her glass in lazy circles. Usagi and Rei, two of her best friends since junior high. They’re bickering, of course, their usual routine, but Ami finds it comforting that some things don’t change. She drains her glass and sets it down, giggling as Rei makes severing motions at Usagi’s neck.

But things do change. It explains why she’s drinking so much, why she keeps flicking nervous glances at the bar entrance. She is almost relieved when their new drinks arrive and ignores the little voice in her head to slow down as she grabs the Blue Lemonade and starts sucking on the straw like a greedy infant.

“Wow, someone’s thirsty,” Usagi says, wearing a huge grin.

Ami shrugs and returns the grin. She catches Rei looking at her with what seems to be concern, but it’s too dark to tell. Besides, with the amount of drinks they’ve put away so far, no one is in the position to play chaperone tonight. Satisfied with that rationalization, Ami drinks until the glass is half empty. The cocktail is pretty much juice. She stirs her straw to make the ice cubes melt faster. She finds it calming to watch them disappear for some reason.

Usagi stretches dramatically and lays her head on Rei’s shoulder. “It’s almost eleven. When are they getting here?”

Rei checks her phone. “Mina says ETA in 20 minutes. She’s in a cab with Mako right now.”

Ami stops stirring. “Mina’s with Makoto?”

Rei nods. “Yup.”

“Oh.” She takes the straw from her glass and sets it on a napkin. A burning feeling rises in her chest, and it takes her a moment to realize she’s jealous of Minako, sweet Minako who’d never do anything to hurt her. She sighs.

Makoto.

It’s been almost two years since she’s last spoken to Makoto, and it’s ridiculous how so much, and yet so little, has changed.

“So Mako’s finally back, huh?” Usagi says. “She’s been gone for, what, two years almost?”

“One and a half technically,” Rei says.

Usagi sighs, hands on her face. “She’s so adventurous. Who else would’ve taken a double gap-year just to travel the world?”

“Not you, bunhead,” Rei says.

“I was being rhetorical, you grump. D’you need another shot? I think that’s the problem here, you need another shot. What d’you think, Ami? Does she need another shot? I think we all need another shot.”

“For once we agree on something,” Rei says, raising her hand to get the server’s attention.

“I don’t know if I should have another one,” Ami drones, rubbing her eyes.

“Don’t worry, we’ll get lemon shots,” Usagi says. “They go down super easy. Oh, and we should order some sides. I’m sure Mina and Mako would like some food too.”

“Like there’d be any left when they get here,” Rei says.

“Hey! You should know that I’m on a diet now, okay? And where’s that damn server? What’s taking you so long to get him over here?”

“Ow, you’re sitting on my hair, bunhead! Quit it!”

Her friends leaping into another spat, Ami looks to the stage. She recognizes the song the band’s playing but doesn’t remember what it’s called. It’s a slower and mellower number and makes her head feel heavy.

Again, the little voice pipes up. _That’s a wrap for tonight. Go home._

But she knows that won’t be happening. Not before she gets some kind of closure. She knows Makoto knows what happened that night two years ago. No grand gestures, no sweeping promises. Theirs was an understanding that silence had set in stone. But nothing could’ve prepared Ami for the silence that was to follow.

And here she is now, back to first base; a little gloomy, a little glad, and a whole lot anxious and downright pissed off.

The nerve of that girl. Did she think she could waltz back into Ami’s life like nothing happened? After ignoring her calls, letters, e-mail and messages for nearly two years?

_You’re a coward, Makoto Kino._

No. The Makoto she knows is far from a coward. The Makoto she knows is…

An image of green eyes and wavy brown hair flashes across her sight. And then it’s gone, just like that, leaving in its wake a bitter taste in her mouth. She feels her heart sink as it dawns on her—

_I don’t know who she is anymore._

Her thoughts are interrupted by the server, who places three shot glasses on the table.

“Cheers!” Usagi says. Their glasses clink and she downs the stuff in one go. Ami follows suit. All she tastes is lemon and sugar, and she supposes it’s a good thing. The band starts another song.

“Oh wow. Didn’t they play this at post-prom?” Usagi says.

“Let’s not talk about post-prom,” Rei says.

Usagi snorts. “What, are you _still_ mad at him? Cut him loose already! At least he was nice.”

Rei holds up a hand. “He was and remains a poor excuse of a male, and I hope he never, ever reproduces. No child deserves to inherit such pathetic genes.”

“Oh my god, Rei. That is _so_ _mean_. Okay, he did throw up on you, but that’s no reason to hate on him after all this time. Jeez, you went to Catholic school. Whatever happened to redemption? Forgiveness?”

“Ralphing on a Versace dress is fair grounds for condemning a soul to eternal damnation, okay? And think about it. You think you’d be as forgiving if Mamoru did that to you?”

“But my Mamo would _never_ do such a thing to me. Not even by accident!”

“Well bunhead, life is full of surprises and men are gifted at providing the unpleasant ones. Just give it time. You’ll see.”

Usagi pouts. “Really? You think my Mamo will…”

“I’m _joking_ , dummy. You guys look so happy together it makes me sick. I literally gag at the sight of you together.”

They all laugh.

“So you’re still not seeing anyone, huh?” Usagi says.

Rei shakes her head.

“Want me to introduce you to one of Mamo’s friends?”

“I think you’re well aware I don’t suffer fools gladly, especially of the cocksure, Ivy League trust-fund baby strain. Not saying that applies to you, Ami. No offense.”

Ami smiles. “None taken, but unfortunately I know exactly of what sort you’re referring to.”

Rei winks. She sits back and crosses her legs. “So, do you still like Cornell? You must be sick of the long winters, girl.”

“I actually like the long winters,” says Ami. She taps a finger against her glass. “The snow makes everything look beautiful and surreal. Plus, coffee tastes much better in the cold.”

“Well, I always suspected you had a masochistic streak, but hey, good for you.”

Ami chuckles. “I think you and I have a very different idea of what masochism entails.”

Rei shrugs. “All I’m saying is I’d probably hang myself if I went to school where it snowed until April.”

“And what about you, Ami?” says Usagi. “Anyone on campus you fancy?”

Ami purses her lips. She starts playing with her straw again. “No. Not at the moment.”

Usagi smirks, tilting her head. “Really? I find that hard to believe.”

Ami knows she’s blushing, but she’s too drunk to care about this conversation and figures she might as well spill everything.

“I was actually with someone for a little while. It wasn’t anything serious though.”

Usagi leans in. “Wow, when was this?”

“Last year.”

“How come you never told us?”

Ami shrugs, her lips in a shy smile.

“Like I said, it was super casual so…”

Rei nods. “Did it end okay?”

“Yeah, we parted on good terms more or less.”

“Can we see a picture of her?” Usagi says, earning a nudge from Rei. “Oh lay off, you’re just as curious.”

“Um…sure.” Ami takes out her phone.

Usagi’s eyes go round. “She is gorgeous.”

Rei whistles. “So does this woman have a name?”

“Taylor,” Ami says.

“How’d you guys meet?” Usagi says.

“We were in the same club. She was the president.”

“Upperclassman?”

“Mm-hm. She’s a senior.”

“You’re just full of surprises, you know that?”

Ami laughs softly.

Rei gives the picture another once-over. “She really is pretty, but she doesn’t seem like she’d be your type.”

Ami gets her phone back. “What d’you mean?”

“I don’t know. She looks like she’d fuck your brains out but never tuck you in or let you be her little spoon.”

Ami takes in her friend’s remark. On some levels, Rei is right, and on second thought, Ami has never considered Taylor as her girlfriend. She feels a petty pride at that admission, even if it stings. She supposes a pyrrhic victory is better than a complete loss.

“I honestly thought you’d prefer someone who’d give off more warmth,” says Rei. “Like a teddy bear type, which _she_ certainly isn’t.”

Ami nods. She remembers the way Taylor would look at her when they made love. Eyes full of desire that whisked her breath away but also frightened her. The memory makes her shiver and brings with it the onset of another truth; Taylor had only sought power. Nothing more. Nothing less.

 _Was_ _I_ _really_ _that_ _naïve?_ Ami thinks.

Her mind is drifting to a place she hoped not to venture again. She drags herself before the tribunal of her conscience, which asks her, _Why?_

_Why indeed._

_Because I wanted to move on._

_Then why are you still holding on?_

_Because she still matters to me._

_You don’t matter to her. She made that clear to you. She’s no better than Taylor._

_She is nothing like Taylor. She is…_

_See? You don’t even know how to finish that thought._

Ami runs a hand through her hair. She drains her glass.

“What do you think it means to really love someone?” she blurts.

Rei narrows her eyes. Usagi looks up from her phone. The silence at the table is taken over by the band.

_What is love?_

_Baby don’t hurt me_

_Don’t hurt me_

_No more_

The singer belts out in a falsetto. His voice cracks.

Usagi is the first to break. The giggles start spilling from her lips, spreading to Rei, then to Ami, and the three of them are soon shrieking in laughter, their hands clutching their sides, their eyes swimming in tears.

“That was fucking great,” Rei says, wiping at her eyes. “How does that even happen?”

“She paid the band to do it,” Usagi says. “There’s no other explanation.”

Ami covers her mouth with a hand to stifle the remnants of her laughter. When she’s gathered herself, she sighs and rubs her cheeks. “I am so drunk.”

“Here, drink some water,” Rei says. “Anyway, back to your question. What does it mean to love someone? What does it mean indeed? Miss Brainiac is in desperate need of answers.”

Ami shrugs. “I’m only asking because my—and I use this term very liberally— _relationship_ with Taylor had me mulling over certain things.”

“What sort of things?” Rei says.

“Mm. For instance, how some people can partake in physical pleasure but remain so distant. I’ve always figured the natural course of carnal attraction would be geared towards emotional fulfilment, but I’ve never been proven more wrong.” Ami trails off. She suddenly wants to cry but steels herself.

“I get it,” Rei says. She twirls a lock of her black hair around a finger. “You don’t understand how some people can sleep together and pretend that nothing’s there.”

Ami nods.

“But that’s just college for you,” Usagi says. “Once we’re away from the parents, we let our hormones take over, and sometimes they play some nasty mind tricks on us.”

“That’s _very_ helpful, Usagi,” says Rei.

“What? It’s true! Everyone’s super hormonal in college! It doesn’t get any better just because you graduate high school!”

“This Taylor…she really did a number on you, didn’t she,” Rei says, clapping a hand over Usagi’s mouth.

“I was stupid.”

“It’s not your fault, girl.”

“Ehh.”

“That’s right!” Usagi twists away from Rei to slam a fist on the table, rattling their glasses. “There’s plenty of hens in the coop!”

Rei shakes her head. “I swear, you and Mina…is misquoting every goddamn idiom a symptom of being blonde?”

“Why are you always so mean to me?”

“Don’t flatter yourself. I hate everybody.”

“Usagi?” Ami interjects.

“Yeah?”

“You love Mamoru, right?”

Usagi tilts her head. “Wha-? Of course I do! We were meant to be!”

Rei crumples her face.

“What makes you so sure?” Ami says. She cringes at the dry tone of her question, but Usagi only smiles.

The blonde sighs again, her smile growing. “It’s hard to explain. Like, the other day when he came over we were watching a movie, and I dropped the remote and it went under the coffee table, right? So I bent down to get it, and all of a sudden I felt his hand on the back of my head. When I sat back up I asked him, what was that? And he said, you were about to hit your head.” She squeals. “He thought I was gonna hit my head against the coffee table, so he used his own hand as a cushion!”

She pauses, her eyes matching the brightness of stars. “Yeah, that one little gesture got me feeling all warm and tingly for the whole day. I mean, it was no parade, but it meant enough to tell me that yeah, I love this guy, I really do. And the best part is, he feels the same way about me.”

Usagi’s smile is contagious, but Ami takes no comfort in it. If anything, her jealousy only grows. Why did Usagi have it so simple? Ami shakes her head. No, it never has been simple. How could she forget the days when Usagi cried on her shoulder from the countless times Mamoru acted like a dumbass? How could she even think to compare her situation to her friend’s? For all of her flaws, Usagi has invested so much into her relationship, and it’s only natural she’s been reaping the fruits of her efforts.

 _And_ _what_ _have_ _I_ _done?_ Ami thinks.

_Nothing. I didn’t try hard enough. That’s why she didn’t respond to me._

_That is nonsense. She didn’t respond because she doesn’t like you that way. We’ve already gone over this._

_You don’t know that._

_I know enough._

_Ugh, be quiet. My life is plenty complicated without you buzzing around in my head._

_“_ Don’t ever change, dummy,” Rei says, pulling Usagi into a hug.

Usagi pats her friend on the head. “I love you too.”

Rei makes a small sound of approval. She looks at Ami. “Fuck your club president. We’ll find you a nice girl to take home tonight.”

Ami shakes her head. Just then, a familiar tune draws her eyes to the stage once more.

“Hey, wasn’t this song in Bridget Jones’ Diary?” Usagi says.

“Yeah. What is it, uh…” Rei snaps her fingers.

“Someone Like You,” Ami says.

“There you go,” Rei says. She also looks at the stage. “Mr. Wannabe Rasta’s no Dinah Carroll, but I guess Van Morrison would still approve, am I right?”

Ami laughs.

“Who’s Van Morrison?” Usagi says.

“Don’t worry about it,” Rei says.

“Aw c’mon! Tell me!”

As her friends brew into another quarrel, Ami lets her eyes linger on the stage and the people around it. The lights are certainly brighter than before, and the music sounds crisper. In the middle of the crowd, a couple stands out to her. They are both women, and one is taller than the other.

_I’ve been doing some soul searching_

_To find out where you’re at_

A wistful smile settles on Ami’s face. The taller woman is a redhead, but her hair’s in a high ponytail just like Makoto’s.

_I’ve been up and down the highway_

_In all kinds of foreign lands_

This is the song Makoto played from her phone. Ami wonders if she still keeps it in her rose-patterned phone case, the one she gave Makoto for her birthday.

_Someone like you_

_You make it all worthwhile_

The couple draws closer to each other, their lips only inches apart. Anyone can see that this is their song. The song that lays their hearts bare with not a single word exchanged. The song that locks them in their embrace.

_Someone like you_

_Keeps me satisfied_

_Someone exactly like you_

This is the song she and Makoto danced to at the park. 12:45 AM, post-prom long forgotten. She can never forget how beautiful Makoto looked then. Dark-brown hair auburn in the moonlight. Eyes deep wells of forest-green. Lips so full, so enticing, so inviting.

_I’ve been all around the world_

_Marching to the beat of a different drum_

This is the song she would dedicate to Makoto. None other would do her justice.

_But just lately I’ve realized_

_Baby the best is yet to come_

Ami feels her lips tremble. It’s only when she blinks that she tastes the salt on her lips.

_Someone like you_

_You make it all worthwhile_

The tears course down her cheeks, and she knows why.

_Someone like you_

_Keeps me satisfied_

For this is the song that marked the end.

“Ami?” She flinches at the sound of her name. “Are you okay?”

She turns back to her friends and grabs a napkin to dab at her eyes. “I’m fine, Usagi.”

Rei reaches over and takes her hand. “Girl, what’s the matter?”

“Nothing. I…I just got overly nostalgic, that’s all.”

Rei squeezes her hand. “You know you can tell us anything, right?”

Ami smiles, but only because she’ll cry again if she doesn’t. “I know. I just started thinking about old times and I guess…everything just caught up to me.”

Her friends give her dubious looks, but they change the topic to her relief. She’s feeling so many things at once that it’s almost making her nauseous. Makoto will arrive soon and there’s nothing that she can do about it. She could drunk-dial Taylor as a last-minute escape, but to what end? Just to hear the same old _it_ _was_ _fun_ _while_ _it_ _lasted_ bullshit?

 _Screw_ _that_. _Let_ _her_ _come._ Ami feels her knuckles tighten.

_Let her come so she’ll get her just deserts._

She waves at a server. “Three more lemon shots please!”


	2. Chapter 2

Things are just the way Makoto left them. The rusty water tower, the Barnes & Noble with the missing ‘o’, the 24-hour diner and its tacky road-sign, and the countless other relics of township neglect that come to her like bad memories conjured by chance. She takes everything in with practiced indifference, but her hand is gripped tightly around a knee in a vain attempt to steady her shaky leg. Closing her eyes, she breathes deeply and lays her temple on the window. In another 10 minutes, she and Minako will be at The Crown.

What she’s about to do tonight may end up being one of the stupidest things she’s ever done. She doesn’t expect forgiveness. She doesn’t expect understanding. She does expect a slap in the face and welcomes the very thought of it. 

She sighs.

“Alright, Mako. What’s wrong?” Minako says.

Makoto turns to her friend. “Come again?”

"What’s wrong?”

Makoto shakes her head and shrugs, pasting a smile on her face. “Nothing. Everything’s a-okay as far as I’m concerned.”

Minako fixes Makoto with a look that makes the latter chuckle nervously. “Minako. I’m _fine_.”

The blonde keeps her gaze, tucking a golden lock behind her ear. “That’s the fourth time you’ve sighed since we got in this cab.”

Makoto shrugs. “I’m just tired. Jetlag, you know.”

“Right.”

“It is!”

Minako folds her arms together. “Does jetlag make you antsy?”

“No? Wait, is that what it is? I’m being antsy right now?”

“Uh, you’ve been like, shaking your leg all this time?”

Makoto frowned. “So? It’s called restless leg syndrome. It’s a real condition and it’s pretty common, you know.”

“There’s no need to get defensive, Mako. I just want to make sure you’re feeling okay, that’s all.”

“I’m totally fine, Mina. I guess I’m just feeling a little out of it tonight.”

“Nothing a little drink won’t cure.”

“Ha. Define a _little_ drink.”

“Just a tiny little something to wet your beak with. It will help you be more honest.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.”

“C’mon, tell me.”

“It means what it is, Big Mama.”

“ _Minako_.”

“Nope. I’ve said too much.”

Makoto rolls her eyes. “Fine, whatever.” She turns to the window again. The road lights pass by in a blur, making her wish that she could also disappear into the night. She should never have come back. The town she’s returned to is no longer her home as much as she’s no longer the girl her friends knew and loved.

She did everything in her power to forget. Drinking herself numb, romping with easy strangers. The world was a big place that offered boundless sanctuary. At least that’s what she told herself as she grappled with her guilt. In the end, the same guilt drove her back to the place she thought she’d left behind for good.

And why did she run away? The answer to everything had lain in those blue eyes that had cast her with so much warmth and yearning. Makoto knows that all she had to do was accept, but she also remembers the terror that swept over her as she saw the delicate nature of Ami’s love, how easily it could be crushed in the hands of a lesser person.

Someone like herself, Makoto Kino.

_Someone like me. Someone who’d only be left behind because I’ll never be good enough. That’s why Mom and Dad left me with that bastard and that bitch he called his wife. I was willing to love them, but it wasn’t enough. Nothing was ever enough for those two._

_But if I had only done more, maybe they could’ve loved me. That’s right, all I did was cause them trouble. I never did enough to gain their trust. And the circle went on. Keith broke up with me even after I tried to make him happy, because I didn’t do enough. I never did enough for anyone. That’s why…_

She sighs again. She braces for another remark from Minako, but the blonde only fiddles with her phone.

“Oh my god,” Minako mutters.

“What?”

“Nothing. Rei’s just being a bitch. I think she’s hammered already.”

“What did she say?”

“She said, ‘Hurry the fuck up before bunhead expires from overeating.’”

Makoto chuckles. “Sounds like her, alright.”

“Mm hm. Ooh, and apparently Ami’s been getting hit on by like, five different people.”

Makoto nods. Then she whips her head around. “She WHAT?”

The cab driver flinches. Minako holds up a hand, cringing. “Jesus Christ, please do not yell in my ear.”

“Sorry, my bad. W-What was that about Ami again?”

“She’s been getting hit on by a lot of people.” Minako quirked a brow. “Why, does that bother you?”

Makoto flushed. “N-no! I…I just…”

Minako smirked. “Can’t imagine Ami in that kind of situation, right?”

Makoto feels her face grow hotter. “I didn’t say that!”

“Trust me, I know how you feel. But you’d be surprised at how much our little Miss Brainiac has blossomed. College does wonders for some people.” She looks at Makoto. “But you would know that too if you had talked to her at all.”

Makoto feels her mouth go dry.

“You know, every time we got together for breaks, Ami always seemed a little sad for some reason.” Minako says. “I tried talking to her about it, but she always brushed it off or gave me these super vague answers that were obviously lies.” She pauses.

Makoto swallows. “…and?”

“Well, one night—and this was like, during winter break, Rei and Usagi weren’t home then—one night, it was just the two of us and she was staying over—‘cause you know her mom’s like, never around—and we ended up drinking a lot of wine, like, _a lot_. But it was all good and fun. We watched Netflix and chatted and everything was fine until we started talking about you.”

Makoto holds Minako’s stare. The blonde’s expression remains neutral as she continues, “She started crying, just like that. Bawling. She said she did something to upset you but she couldn’t tell me what. She also said you weren’t answering any of her messages or emails. She was a complete wreck, Mako. Like, she was totally convinced that she did something to make you hate her.”

Makoto shoves her face into her hands. “Oh, Jesus…”

“That’s what’s been bothering you all night, isn’t it? You’re afraid to face her again.”

Makoto looks up. “Is it really that obvious?”

Minako sighs, hand on her brow. “You were never a good actress, Mako.”

Makoto stares at her shoes. “She’s pretty mad, isn’t she.”

“Now that would come as a big surprise, wouldn’t it.”

Makoto groans, covering her face once more. “Ahdnnoehfacunduthis.”

“What’s that?”

“I said, I don’t know if I can do this. See her again.”

“You definitely can, Mako. Hell, you took on three guys by yourself and won! The stuff you gotta deal with tonight is _peanuts_ in comparison!”

“I should just get off now and take the bus back.”

“No, you’re going there. I’ll fight you if I have to.”

Makoto snorted. “Yeah, okay.”

“Seriously. This may be the last chance for you to set things right with Ami. You know she’s leaving next week, right?”

“Leaving? Where’s she going?”

“Her dad’s place. Anyway, my point is, I don’t know what went on between the two of you, but you girls used to be so close and that’s certainly not the case anymore. No, let me finish, Mako. I love the both of you, and so do Rei and Usagi, and it would make us all sad if either of you dropped away just because of something that could’ve been resolved with a little bit of communication. We’ve all been friends since we were 12 and that should mean something, right?”

Makoto nodded. “Of course.”

“Then you _need_ to talk to her. She at least deserves to know why you straight up ignored her for like, two fucking years. That’s crazy. Two. Years. Jesus McLovin Christ. It’s like you guys went through a bad divorce or something.”

Makoto can’t help but laugh a little, and Minako too gives a sad smile.

“You know, I thought going away would help me sort things out, but I’m still just as lost,” Makoto says. “D’you have a memory that you keep reliving no matter how much you want to forget it?”

“Yeah, I think that’s called a trauma.”

“No, not like that. Okay, different example. Let’s say there’s someone you’re into.”

“Uh huh.”

“But you know you’ll never get together, so you meet other people to get over her, I mean, that person.”

Minako gives a knowing smile, but Makoto doesn’t notice. “And?”

“But every other person you meet somehow reminds you of that person. And with it, you are constantly reminded of the one special memory you shared with that person…and that keeps you from moving on. Does that mean you’re in love with that person or just obsessed with the idea of that person?”

Minako leans back in her seat, stretching her arms forward. “I guess the answer really depends on how honest you’re willing to be with yourself. Like, you’ve had your share of crushes. All those guys that reminded you of whats-his-name…”

“Keith.”

“Yeah, Keith. You had quite the laundry list back then.”

“So did you.”

“That is true, but let’s ignore that for argument’s sake.”

“Bah.”

“Think about all the crushes you’ve had. How many of them actually leaned on feelings that were _real_?”

“Not too many, I guess?”

“Right. And why do you think you had them in the first place?”

“Because I wanted to be with a certain type of person?”

“There you go. And do you know why none of them lasted very long?”

“Because…I realized the actual person didn’t fit my idea of him?”

“Right, and you came to that realization because you were finally being honest with yourself. Now, what I’ve gathered from what you’ve told me so far is that you’re having trouble being honest, and not because you’re attached to some lame-ass teenage fantasy, but you’re scared to delve any deeper because whatever answer you get is going to change things between you and this person like, a lot. And the fact you’ve already decided that you’ll never get together with her means the two of you are either close friends or had a really bad falling out.”

Makoto blinks. Then she laughs. “Easy there, Dr. Phil.”

Minako laughs too. “But am I wrong?”

Makoto scratches the back of her neck. “I guess you do have a point. But this person we’re talking about is purely hypothetical, okay? I just wanted your…what are you smiling about?”

“Oh, nothing. Just looking forward to the night. It’s gonna be fun.”

“I don’t know if I like the sound of that.”

Minako winks. “Everything is going to be fine as long as you trust your heart.”

“Oh my god, did you really just say that?”

“Even a broken clock is right twice a day.”

“What? That’s totally out of context!”

“Look.” Minako takes Makoto’s hand. “All I want to say is, I’m very happy that you’re back and I’m glad you decided to come out with me tonight. We all missed you very much, Makoto.”

Makoto feels a pang in her chest and her eyes start to water. “Uh…yeah, thanks. I-I missed you guys too.”

“And I’m sure Ami will forgive you if you just apologize and explain things to her. As long as you’re sincere, I’m sure she’ll understand. She’s not someone to hold grudges.”

Makoto sighs. “I really hope you’re right.”

“I know I am. And besides, Ami est une fille qui a de la chance.”*

“Huh?”

“Nothing. Oh look! We’re here!”

The cab slows to a stop. They pay the driver and step out to a mild June evening.

“Did Andrew renovate the front? It looks nice,” Makoto says, starting up the steps to the bar.

Minako follows behind. “Yup. He’s been pandering towards the youngsters lately. Not that I’m complaining.”

Makoto stops at the door. She reaches for the handle but draws back. “Hoo boy,” she says, rubbing her hands together.

Minako comes up and links her arm with her friend’s. “You ready?”

Makoto nods. “Uh huh. By the way, thanks again for letting me stay at your place.”

“Psh. Mi casa su casa. I just want you to be happy, babe.” She leans in until her lips are brushing Makoto’s ear. “And don’t worry. You’re gonna be just fine. Trust me.”

Makoto takes a deep breath. “Yeah. Okay. Let’s do this.”

They go inside.

 

* * *

 

 Makoto was taking a while to find the right song, but Ami didn’t mind. If anything, the delay was a treat. It gave her more time to simply look at Makoto, to observe all the little things that made her best friend so beautiful.

She adored how Makoto bit her lip and scrunched her nose and twisted her hair as she looked through her phone. Her hair was once again done up in her usual high pony-tail, and she had changed into torn jeans and a black tank-top. No doubt she was stunning in her green prom dress, but her casual look had always been more pleasing.

And now, with both their dates left behind, Ami now had Makoto all to herself. She blushed a little as Makoto bent over to place her phone on the bench.

“There,” Makoto said, flashing a smile that made Ami’s heart flutter. In long easy strides, Makoto came forward. The lake behind her was still and clear, the park lights on either side of her round and warm.

She offered a hand. “May I have this dance?” she said in a low voice, and Ami urged herself not to squeal. “Mm,” was all she could manage as Makoto pulled her in.

They glided together, the space around them untouched by anything else save for the music, their shadows married together, tailing their owners with every step and turn.

“You’re a much better dancer than Greg,” Ami said.

Makoto laughed. “My date also had two left feet. Glad that’s not the case with you.”

Ami looked up. “And what if I _did_ have two left feet?”

“Then I’d probably drop you in that lake,” Makoto deadpanned.

Ami giggled, slapping her friend on the arm. “You definitely give Rei a run for her money sometimes.”

Makoto faked a shudder. “Oh, the sarcasm. I love it. Give it to me, doc.”

Ami blushed, but kept her eyes on Makoto. “You want me to give it to you?”

Makoto’s jaw slackened as her face turned beet red. “Uhh…that’s…that’s not…”

“You should choose your words more carefully.”

“Uh, yeah…yes…that I really should.”

Ami burst into laughter.

Makoto gave a puzzled smile. “What? Why?”

“Nothing. You’re just really cute when you’re flustered.”

“Gee, thanks. You really know how to make a girl feel special.”

“Mm, I know.”

They both laughed.

The next song began, and they slowed their steps to match its tempo.

“Someone Like You,” Ami muttered. “I love this song.”

“Yeah, me too,” Makoto said. “She has such a nice voice.”

“So do you.”

“Sorry?”

“I said, I agree.”

Makoto tilted her head. “Are you alright?”

“Mm. I’m just feeling a little worn out.”

“Want me to take you home?”

“No, it’s okay.”

Makoto stopped, her arms stilling Ami. “It’s really no trouble. I don’t want you to get sick or anything.”

Ami felt a tug at her chest. Makoto was always so sweet. It wasn’t fair. There was no way to win against that.

“No. I want to stay here for just a little longer. I like this right now. And…”

_Even if I did get sick, I’d still rather be here with you because there’s nothing else I can wish for at the moment._

“And?” Makoto said.

“And…” Ami began but stopped herself. Was this it? Was this the moment she would finally let her friend know what lay in the depths of her heart? Could she even begin to articulate how much she felt for Makoto?

_I admire you._

She did. She admired her smile, her strength, her kindness.

_I cherish you._

She was generous. Sometimes at her expense, and Ami wanted to be the one who repaid her in kind.

_I…I…lo…_

Yes. Even if she couldn’t frame it in her thoughts she knew she did. She took Makoto’s hands in hers and looked at her friend.

Makoto gasped. At what, Ami didn’t know, but she refused to look away, pouring into her gaze all the joy and affection and gratitude Makoto had made her feel in the six years of their friendship, and hoping maybe, just maybe, that her friend could see the truth that had brought them here tonight.

Smiling, Ami removed her hands gently from Makoto’s. Then she brought them up to caress Makoto’s face.

“Mako,” she whispered.

Makoto’s eyes widened. Her breath came out heavily and she squeezed her eyes shut, wrapping her hands around Ami’s. Then she opened her eyes and looked at Ami as if seeing her for the first time. She took Ami’s hands and slowly brought them downwards. Then she let them go. 

“We should head back now.” Makoto said, her eyes blank and stony.

“Mako?” Ami reached for her friend, but she had already turned around and started walking towards the bench.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“You have beautiful eyes.”

Ami feels her mouth sliding into a loose grin. “Well that’s very kind of you to think so.”

The woman she’s currently dancing—no, swaying with—has introduced herself as Ashley, a junior at USC or UCLA, Ami doesn’t remember which school. All Ami can tell is that her jet-black hair is cut short, she has a cute smile, and her eyes are an astonishing shade of green.

“You remind me of someone,” Ami slurs.

“Oh? Not a jealous ex, I hope?”

“Mmm, no. An old acquaintance, but I could totally see her as a jealous type.”

Ashley smirks, trailing a hand up Ami’s back. “Do I seem like a jealous type to you?”

“I don’t know. Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. I barely even know you.”

“Well then, let’s just say that if I saw you in someone else’s arms right now, I’d be incredibly jealous.”

Ami laughs. “You would, huh?”

“I would. That’s the effect you’re having on me right now.”

“I bet you say that to all the other girls.”

“Only girls with eyes like yours.”

“Well, you’re quick on your feet, aren’t you?”

“Stick around. This isn’t even my final form.”

Ami laughs, burying her face into Ashley’s chest and closing her eyes. If she looks up again, she will definitely try to kiss the tall woman. Not that she’s completely opposed to the idea. She isn’t too hot about the short-cut, but Ashley does pull it off well. Besides, she’s tall, good looking and intelligent, with green eyes to boot. 

_She isn’t her, but she will suffice._

_No! What are you thinking?_

_Why not? She’s hot, and it’s been a while for you, hasn’t it? Or do you want to spend another night alone?_

_Shut up._

_You were pushed around before. Now’s your chance to play for the other team._

_Shut up._

_You have the power. Use it._

_Shut up._

“Everything okay? I know my boobs can’t be that cushy.”

Ami flung up her head. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”

Ashley smiles, running a hand through Ami’s hair. “I enjoyed it actually. You have a very soft head.”

Ami narrows her eyes. “Shouldn’t you rather say that to a baby instead of a full-grown woman?”

Ashley blushes. “No. I didn’t mean it like that at all. I just thought…”

“I’m kidding.”

Ashley sighs, shaking her head. “You have a hell of a poker face, I’ll give you that.”

“Mm. Unfortunately, my uses for it are quite limited as I am not a gambling woman.”

“Me neither, but I did make a bet tonight and I have to say, I’m feeling a bit lucky.”

“Oh? And what have you bet on, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Ashley brushes a thumb over Ami’s lips. “I’m looking at it right now.”

Then she kisses her.

_Oh, she’s good. I bet she’s even better in bed._

_This is wrong. I shouldn’t be doing this._

_Wrong? You’re the one sucking on her tongue!_

_I should stop. No, I need to stop. I’m gonna regret it if I keep this up._

_No, no, no. You wanted this._

_She’s not the one I want it with._

_That doesn’t matter. What matters is that it feels good._

_This doesn’t feel good at all. It’s not right._

_You wanted this._

_No._

_You wanted this._

_No._

_YOU WANTED THIS._

Ami pulls away, breathless, her hand resting on Ashley’s chest. The tall woman looks at her questioningly. “Ami?”

“I’m sorry. I…I think I need some water. My head’s starting to hurt.”

Ashley nods. “Okay. Let’s get you hydrated.”

A few minutes later, they are seated by the bar, sipping on big jugs of iced water.

“You came with your friends, right?” Ashley says. “Do you want me to walk you back to your table?”

Ami smiles and places a hand over Ashley’s. “I’m not trying to get rid of you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Well, honestly, I’d be pretty bummed out if this is where we say good night, but I’d rather that than hold your hair up over a toilet seat.”

Ami rolls her eyes. “I don’t think you’d have to worry about the latter. I can hold my liquor, thank you very much.”

Ashley smiles. “I’m sure you can. Also, I really enjoyed what we did back there. Any chance we might be able to continue where we left off?”

Ami tilts her head, propping her cheek on her wrist. “I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you walk me back to my table so you can meet my friends? If they still like you in the next hour, I’ll strongly consider your proposal.”

Ashley leans back in her stool. “Damn. Why do I feel like I’m off to meet your parents already?”

“Mm, I don’t think we’re _that_ close yet. So is that a yes or no?”

Ashley cracks a grin. “You got yourself a deal, hon.”

Ami smiles back and scoots off her stool. She takes Ashley by the hand and leads her through the crowd until they reach the corner booth where she’s left her friends.

“There she is!” Usagi calls out, waving. “Ami, where the hell were you?”

Ami is about to wave back, but she is swept up in a flurry of blonde hair and giggles.

“Ami!” Minako squeals, pulling her friend into a tight hug. “Oh my god, it’s so good to see you again!”

But before Ami can so much utter a reply, her eyes lock onto the woman sitting next to Usagi. The world around her goes silent as a familiar pair of green eyes stare back at her, ripping her out of her cocktail haze.

_Makoto._

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Mina says "Ami is a lucky girl" in French.


	3. Chapter 3

Makoto can’t believe it. There is no way in hell that Ami and the Joan Jett wannabe are together, but one look at their linked arms tells everything Makoto needs to know. She looks on as Ami becomes engulfed in Minako’s embrace, and Ami looks back at her over the blonde’s shoulder. Blue eyes, cold and penetrating. Makoto looks away and hangs her head.

_Of course she’s found someone. She’s beautiful in so many ways. She always was._

But something doesn’t sit right with Makoto. The Ami she knows doesn’t cling to anyone like that, let alone pick up strangers at a bar. It can only mean that her friend’s been boozing hard all night, which is no more reassuring. Out of their group, Ami would be the last person to end up pasted.  Then again, that was the Ami that Makoto knew two years ago.

She looks at Ami’s new ‘friend’. The woman is tall—she has quite a few more inches on Makoto—and minus the white Soundgarden t-shirt, her entire ensemble’s in black. She isn’t bad looking, but Makoto knows that Ami could do much better. Her eyes are slanted and Makoto doesn’t trust them. For all she knew, Joan Jett might’ve been plying Ami with drinks all night. That’s the only explanation for Ami’s current state that Makoto approves.

But maybe Ami _did_ want to get drunk. Maybe she actually found Joan Jett attractive. Either way, Makoto knows it’s none of her business so long as Ami’s happy.

_Are you okay with this?_

Yes. She is. Even if it makes her want to punch the nearest wall, she has to be for Ami’s sake.

In the meantime, Ami returns Minako’s hug. “I missed you too, Mina,” she says with as much cheer as possible. Her eyes go back to Makoto, now sitting with her head down.

Ami purses her lips, struggling to keep her emotions in check. It’s clear that Makoto doesn’t want to see her. She wants to believe that Makoto can’t be this cruel, that even if she’s changed, there still must be some parts of her that Ami can recognize.

No, she’s faltering, playing the doormat again. She’s had enough of taking all the blame and looking at things from another vantage point. Tonight, she’s going to be selfish, and it will be a fitting penalty for Makoto. She suddenly feels grateful for Ashley’s presence.

“Hey Ami, guess who’s back!” Minako says, jabbing a thumb at Makoto’s way.

Makoto cringes. _Oh my god, Mina. Don’t make me do this now. Fuck._

But she is dragged out of the booth by a very drunk Rei and a very drunk Usagi, and she is standing in front of Ami with her hands shaking behind her back. She’s never had such a fervent wish for a blackout than now.

“Uh…hey.” Her face feels like cracked plaster as she tries to smile. She opens her arms in an invitation for a hug, but fear curdles in her stomach when her gesture is met with a blank stare. After a tense moment, Ami steps forth to close the gap between them, and only then does Makoto exhale.

The hug is brief and rigid, but it is more than either woman can handle at the moment.

“Long time no see,” Ami says, wearing the same blank look.

“Yeah, it’s been a while. Uh…you grew out your hair.”

“I thought I’d let it be for a change. Why, do you not like it?”

“No, it looks great! I’m just so used to seeing you in a bob-cut, that’s all.”

“Very attached to the past, aren’t you? Well, given your track record I can’t say I’m too surprised.”

Makoto feels her breath hitch in her throat. Did Ami just say that? Did she imagine it? She glances at Minako, and the blonde is just as taken back, if not a little intimidated. Behind them, Rei and Usagi argue over what to order next, their noses buried in the menu.

Then Ami smiles, and a chill takes over Makoto. She flinches when Ami touches her shoulder.

“In any case, welcome back. I hope you had a wonderful trip.” She draws her hand away slowly, her fingers like icicles on Makoto’s skin.

“So Ami!” Minako chimes in with a nervous smile. “Who’s your friend?”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Ami says, turning to Ashley and taking her hand. She brings the tall woman closer to the booth so everyone can see her. “Girls, this is Ashley. I hope you don’t mind if she joins us.”

Makoto drops her jaw. _She can’t be serious._

“Of course not!” Usagi says and motions at everyone standing to take a seat. “Are you guys hungry? I’m thinking of ordering nachos.”

“We just _did_ , you dummy!” Rei growls, taking the menu from Usagi. “We’re getting the fruit and cheese platter, and that’s that!”

“But why can’t we roll with a double order _and_ get the fruit and cheese platter?”

“Are you trying to give everyone here heart disease?”

“I’m with Usagi on this one. You can never have too much nachos,” Minako says. She flaps her hand for the menu and Usagi hands it to her. “Whatcha drinking Mako? First round’s on me.”

Makoto doesn’t answer. She’s busy staring at her fingernails.

“Mako!”

“Huh?”

“What drink do you want?”

“Uh…get me a Heineken.”

“Alright.” She closes the menu and lays it on the table. She looks at Makoto, then taps her friend’s thigh and whispers, “Hang in there.”

Makoto shrugs. “Thanks, I guess.”

Thirty minutes go by, and Makoto’s spent most of the time glaring at her bottle or looking at her phone. Her friends have been busy drinking up every little detail bout Ashley’s life, from her childhood spent on a farm to her winning a longboarding contest in high school, which for reasons beyond Makoto, seemed to impress Ami a lot.

She fingers the neck of her beer bottle and tries not to look in Ami’s direction. She is glad to be sitting on the outer end of the booth now. Otherwise she would’ve been caught in the crosshairs of shameless PDA between Ami and her new ‘friend’. It doesn’t help that Ami is sitting closer to Makoto, right in the center between Minako and Ashley.

Makoto rubs her brow. It’s going to take more than a few beers to get her through the night.

“I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t look like you go to school in Cali,”

Usagi says, cradling her pink cheeks in both hands. 

Ashley laughs, her hand teasing Ami’s bare shoulder. Makoto tightens her grip around her bottle and takes a heavy swig.

“I don’t tan very well. I pink instead,” Ashley says.

“Oh my god, me too,” Rei says. “I always end up looking like a lobster after being in the sun.”

Ashley shakes her head, her expression serious. “Us pale folks have it hard. You ever try Bertheim’s Aloe Foam?”

“No, I have not.”

“Best after-sun cream you can buy. Works like a charm and leaves you feeling like you just came out of an ice bath. You should definitely grab one for your next beach trip.”

Makoto rolls her eyes. Ashley—no—Joan Jett should just stay the fuck inside if she gets burnt so easily. If she needed someone to kick her into a vat full of after-sun cream, Makoto would gladly volunteer. Hell, she’d be the first in line.

_Take a deep breath. You have no right to get between Ami and her._

It’s true, but she wants to be proven wrong, because every little look and touch and whisper that Ami gets from Joan Jett pricks Makoto like a needle. She orders another Heineken and a shot of jäger. When the drinks arrive, she downs the shot in one go and guzzles the beer until only half of it remains. She knows that Ami is staring at her, and a twisted sense of satisfaction grows inside her. She orders another shot.

“Slow down, Mako,” Minako says with a chuckle.

“No worries, I’m good.”

“Yeah, but pace yourself. We _just_ got here.”

“I’m only having a little drink. Wetting my beak like you said.”

“That’s all good and fine. Just don’t make me have to change the sheets tomorrow, okay?”

“Will do, skipper.”

She gets her second shot and she drinks it and feels much better. Her head is clear and everything she touches seems to run with energy. Still, her buzz doesn’t last long because Joan Jett is nuzzling Ami’s hair. 

Makoto bites back a growl. She imagines grabbing Joan Jett and hauling her out of her seat and dragging her by the hair across the floor and flinging her out the exit and…

She shudders and lifts the beer to her lips, only to find it empty. She sets it down and orders another beer and a shot and asks the server to hurry.

_Deep breaths, Mako. Deep breaths. Think about still lakes. Big mountains._

Her phone buzzes.

Mina: Are you okay?

Makoto looks up. Minako is smiling, but her eyes are brimming with worry.

Tbh not really

Mina: Wanna step outside for a bit?

Sure why not

Ami doesn’t know what to make of it. Makoto’s been drinking at an alarming rate, and she suddenly wants to go to her friend and ask her if she’s alright. Instead, she snuggles closer to Ashley who starts playing with her hair.

“Your friend doesn’t seem to be enjoying herself.” Ashley says, motioning at Makoto. “She’s been awfully quiet.”

Ami nods. “She just came back from a long trip so she’s probably tired from jetlag.”

“Yeah? Where’s she been?” 

Ami purses her lips. _I wish I knew that myself._ “Why don’t you ask her?”

Ashley nods. “I definitely will. Oh, she’s leaving.”

Usagi tugs at Makoto’s arm. “Where are you two going?”

“Just out to get some air,” Minako says, grabbing her purse. “We won’t be long.”

“Out to get…?” Usagi narrows her eyes. “Wait a minute, I thought you quit!”

Minako only flutters her fingers as she leaves the booth with Makoto.

They step out the back. The night air is cool and breezy and filled with the chatter of crickets. They take a seat on a gnarled wooden bench that sits below an exit sign glowing a pale green. Why it’s even there is anyone’s guess.

Minako reaches into her purse and pulls out a pack of Parliament Light. She lights a cigarette and offers the pack to Makoto.

“I didn’t know you smoked,” Makoto says, fishing out a cigarette. She cups a hand over the light that Minako holds out to her and inhales deeply. The smoke burns her throat and it feels good. It’s been a while since her last fix.

Minako does a French inhale. “I’ve been hanging with the wrong crowd.” She winks.

Makoto chuckles and takes a long drag. They smoke in silence.

“You looked like you were about to kill someone back there,” Minako says.

Makoto frowns. “I knew you’d say that.”

“I get it.” Minako shrugs. “I’ve been jealous before. It makes you do stupid shit, that’s for sure.”

Makoto flips her hair. “I haven’t done anything.” She smirks before adding, “Yet.”

Minako quirks a brow. “I love you, but I’m not gonna bail you out of jail.”

“I’m _kidding_. Jeez, you think I’m actually gonna start shit with that Cali girl?”

“I feel like you already have. You’ve been giving her the death-stare all night. Well, at least for the few times you were actually looking at her.”

Makoto stubs out her cigarette on the bench arm and flicks it. “I just don’t like her vibe. She seems…slimy.”

Minako giggles. “Would you have the same opinion if she were with someone else?”

Makoto sighs. “You know what? I’ve been wondering about that myself. I think I…” She trails off and kicks a nearby pebble. It bounces away from the asphalt and rolls out to the grass and disappears into the dark. 

Minako finishes her cigarette and takes a compact from her purse. She flips it open and checks her makeup. “Are you in love with Ami?”

Makoto leans back in the bench, crossing her arms behind her head. “I don’t know. I just can’t stand seeing her with that insufferable hipster.”

“But you like her, don’t you?”

Makoto doesn’t answer.

Minako puts her compact away. “I’m sorry that things got a bit complicated tonight. I feel like I’ve dragged you into a tight spot.”

Makoto shakes her head. “It’s not your fault. If anything, I’m to blame.”

Minako frowns. “What do you mean?”

Makoto gestures for another cigarette. She smokes it slowly, blowing the smoke out of her nose. She looks at Minako, her green eyes heavy with weariness.

“Can you keep a secret?”

  

* * *

 

“Say, would you be terribly upset if I left you alone for a bit?” Ashley says.

Ami tilts her head and smiles coyly. “Tired of me already?”

Ashley laughs. “I’m gonna go out for a smoke.”

Ami frowns. “Maybe you shouldn’t.”

“Why, you have something against smokers?”

“I don’t approve of actions that severely impact your life span.”

“Oh, I get it. You’re afraid I’m gonna stink up a storm.”

“That too.”

“Look, I use a vape. I switched to one ‘cause I’m trying to quit.”

“Hmm…you’re still feeding your addiction, but I’ll let you go for now. At least you won’t smell.”

Ashley grins and kisses Ami on the cheek. “I won’t be long.”

Once Ashley leaves the booth, Rei and Usagi swarm her like pigeons to bread crumbs.

“Okay, spill,” Rei says. “Have you kissed her yet?”

Ami shrugs and plucks an apple slice from the fruit and cheese platter. Usagi gasps dramatically.

Rei smirks. “She any good?”

Ami smirks back. “Maybe.” She bites into the apple slice and chews slowly.

“She seems to really like you,” Usagi says.

Ami nods. “She’s nice. She’s only here for another week though.”

“Well you know what _that_ means,” Rei says.

“No, I’m afraid I don’t. What?”

“You’re going home with her tonight.”

Ami snorts. “Does every encounter at a bar need to end in sex?”

“Not at all, but you guys were pretty much eye-fucking each other the entire time. Right, Usagi?”

Usagi fingers a strand of her hair. “Hmm, I wouldn’t go _that_ far.”

“Whaaat? They _totally_ were,” Rei says. “You saw them.”

“Listen, I’m all up for getting Ami laid, but I don’t wanna force her into anything. Don’t get me wrong, Ashley seems pretty cool, but she might as well be a closet psycho.”

Rei snorts. “Since when were you ever discerning?”

“Oh, can it will you?” Usagi takes Ami by the shoulders and looks at her intensely. “Ami, answer me truthfully. Do you like this girl?”

Ami smiles. “I’m attracted to her if that’s what you mean.”

“Okay, that’s good. That’s very good. Do you feel safe with her?”

“She hasn’t made me feel uncomfortable once tonight.”

Usagi waggles her head. “Excellent. Now look me in the eye.” She pauses. “Are you willing to give her some love?”

“In the sheets?” Rei pipes up.

“With candles?”

“And rose petals?”

“And essential oils?”

Rei looks at Usagi. “What?”

The blonde shrugs. “I don’t know. It just kinda came out.”

Ami chuckles. She liked kissing Ashley and she isn’t opposed to doing it again, but the uncertainty of the post-kiss scenario keeps prodding her. Will it just be a one-night stand? Will things be awkward in the morning? Will they actually keep in touch afterwards and become more than just friends? In that case, how will they manage a long-distance relationship? What if it turned out they were completely incompatible? What if Ashley gets bored of her?

And most importantly, what would Makoto think of all this?

_Why does that even matter?_

But it does matter, because if Makoto hadn’t shown up, Ami wouldn’t have clung to Ashley from the start. As that realization sinks in, the sorrow and guilt she’s been holding at bay finally gushes into her heart, and she has to will herself not to cry again. She succeeds, but the effort has drained her completely, and all she wants is for everything and everyone around her to go away. She stands.

“Ami?” Usagi says.

“Uh...sorry, I have to use the restroom.”

Before either of her friends can stop her, she hurries out of the booth and disappears into the crowd.

 

* * *

 

Minako crosses her arms and sighs. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

“I know, I know!” Makoto growls and runs a hand over her face. “Goddammit, I know how badly I fucked up.”

“Mako, you need to relax. You can still fix this.”

Makoto snorts. “And how the fuck am I gonna do that? It’s not like I can swish a wand and the pumpkin turns into a fucking stagecoach.”

Minako lays a hand on her friend’s shoulder. “I get that you’re frustrated, and I understand why you would think that Ami won’t forgive you.”

“You _saw_ how she was, Mina. She can’t stand the _sight_ of me anymore. What good is talking to her gonna do at this point?”

“I don’t think she hates you at all. If anything, she probably _wants_ you to talk to her.”

Makoto laughs bitterly. “Yeah. Sure she does.”

“No, I’m serious, Mako. She’s acting out because she’s just as scared as you are. If you don’t take the first step, she might actually do something she’ll regret.”

Makoto drops her gaze to the ground. “You really think so?”

Minako nods. “I really do. Trust me. You know I have a great sense for these things.” She pats Makoto on the back, drawing a chuckle from her friend.

Makoto sighs. “So how should I approach this?”

Minako taps a finger on her lip. “Well first, we gotta figure out a way to get the two of you alone.”

“That’s gonna be hard. That Cali hipster bitch is all over her.”

“That’s true. Hmm. In that case, you should just do what you do best.”

“What’s that?”

“Go in for the kill.”

Makoto chuckles. “I thought you were trying to keep me out of jail.”

“I meant that you should be direct. Just go up to Ami and tell her you gotta talk to her and bring her out and get right to it. It doesn’t matter if she’s with Ashley or whoever. Just make it clear that it’s urgent.”

“What if she says no?”

“Then you put your foot down. C’mon, do I even need to tell you any of this? I thought aggression was your forte!”

“Thanks, that’s very flattering.”

Minako wags her tongue. “Just stating the truth, babe.”

Makoto rolls her eyes. She stands up to stretch. “I hope we can still be friends. That’s all I really want at this point.”

“I’m sure she’d want that too. And hey, you never know. You guys might end up working towards something more.”

“That’s jumping the gun.”

“It really isn’t. She _likes_ you.”

Makoto shuffles her feet. “I’m not gonna get into that.”

Minako shrugs. “Alright, then. You ready to head back in?”

Makoto is about to answer when the door behind her opens and Ashley steps out.

“Hey.” She gives a wave. Makoto clenches her jaw.

“Hey yourself,” Minako says. “That’s a fancy looking toy you got there.”

“Oh, this?” Ashley holds up her vape. “It’s cheap, but it gets the job done. D’you mind?”

“Of course not. We were just smoking ourselves.”

Ashley puffs on her vape. “Sorry, I’m terrible with names. You’re Minako, right?”

The blonde nods.

“And I don’t think I caught yours.”

Makoto squares her shoulders. She feels Minako’s hand on her back. “Makoto,” she says.

“Ashley. Good to meet you.” They shake hands. “Ami tells me you’ve done a lot of traveling.”

Makoto gives a wry smile. “She did, huh?”

Ashley nods. “Yeah. I’m a sucker for travel stories. Where’d you go?”

“Here and there. Last stop was Mongolia.”

“Wow. What was that like?”

Makoto takes a deep breath. “It was interesting. There’s a sizeable dwarf population there so the economy subsists on freakshows and midget porn for the most part. Also, all they eat there are bull testicles. They’re supposed to be eaten raw, but I prefer them poached.”

Ashley blinks, surprise written on her face. “Uh…I never knew Mongolia was so…colorful.”

Makoto smirks cruelly. “I’m sure you’ll fit right in.”

Ashley shoots a glance at Minako. “Um…is everything alright?”

Minako takes her friend’s arm. “Yeah, she’s just a little out of it. C’mon, Mako. Let’s go back in.”

“What? We’re just talking.”

“Mako.”

“You gonna fuck her?”

Ashley frowns. “Excuse me?”

“Mako!”

“You heard me. You know who I’m talking about.”

Ashley smiles, but her eyes are fixed into a glare. “That’s really none of your business.”

Makoto takes a step forward. “It definitely is my business, because that girl, she doesn’t owe you anything. And if you think she’s someone you can just fuck and throw away, you’re in for something else.”

“Alright, back off just one second,” Ashley says, raising a hand. “Where do you get around making an assumption like that? You don’t know a fucking thing about me.”

“I know well enough to know what you’re gonna try in the next hour.”

“Mako, _please_ calm down. Let’s just go inside, okay?” Minako says.

Makoto pulls her arm away. All the anger and frustration that’s stewed inside her tonight starts bubbling to the surface.

“You should listen to your friend,” Ashley says, pocketing her vape. “I’m not looking for any trouble.”

“Feels good to have your arm around her, huh? You’re just itching to get her out of that skimpy little dress.”

Ashley sighs and runs a hand through her hair. “Are you for real now?”

But Makoto isn’t listening. “She’s just another name on your list, just another conquest you can brag about when you go back to San Diego or wherever the fuck it is you came from.”

Ashley snorts. “Fine. I do wanna fuck her. So what? I’m into her and she’s into me. Whatever happens afterwards is for us to decide, not you.”

“Who says she’s into you?” Makoto snaps.

Ashley sneers. “Oh, I’m sorry. I must’ve left out the part where we made out on the dance floor for five minutes solid. Let me tell you, she gives damn good tongue.”

With a snarl, Makoto grabs Ashley by the collar and shoves her against the wall.

“MAKO, NO!” Minako screams.

Ashley tries to break free, but Makoto’s arm is jammed against her neck.

“Say that again?” Makoto growls.“Let go of me,” Ashley croaks.

“Sorry, I can’t hear ya. Why don’t you speak up a little bit?”

“You…you’re fucking nuts.”

Minako rushes over and grabs Makoto’s shoulders. “LET GO OF HER, MAKOTO!”

Makoto grits her teeth. She swears and pulls away from Ashley. The latter slumps to the ground with an audible thud, wheezing and coughing. Minako goes to her immediately. “Here, hold your head up and just keep breathing. You’re gonna be fine.”

Then she looks up. “Are you out of your _mind_? You could’ve _killed_ her!”

Makoto backs off, her hands trembling. She opens her mouth but no words come out.

She looks at Ashley, who’s glaring at her with teary eyes. “Crazy bitch,” the woman rasps.

“Minako?” A soft voice calls from the door. Makoto whips her head around. Her eyes widen as dread grips her heart.

Ami stands in the door way, looking frightened. She steps over the threshold carefully, as if the ground were littered with broken glass.

“Ashley!” She patters to the woman. “What happened?”

Ashley hacks a few more times before slowly getting to her feet and cracking her neck. She points at Makoto. “Your friend here just tried to kill me.”

“What?”

“Fuck it. I’m outta here.” She makes for the door.

“Ashley, wait.” Ami grabs the woman’s wrist, but she pulls away.

“No. I’m sorry, but everything’s way too fucked right now.” She smiles ruefully. “I thought there weren’t any jealous exes.”

“What are you _talking_ about?”

Ashley shakes her head. “Doesn’t matter.” She opens the door. “Have a nice life.” And she is gone.

The door creaks shut and a heavy silence hangs between the women that have remained outside. Then Ami turns to Makoto.

“What did you do.” Her voice is low and even.

Minako blanches. Makoto swallows.

Ami goes up to Makoto, her glare frosty and unwavering. “Answer me.”

Makoto clenches her jaw and looks away. “Were you really going to sleep with her?” Her voice is barely above a whisper.

For a moment, Ami simply stares. Then she lets out a bitter laugh, the sound of it rending through Makoto like a jagged blade. “I’m not even going to indulge that with an answer.”

“Don’t give me that.” Makoto looks at Ami. “Were you really going to leave with that girl?”

“So what if I did!” Ami snaps. “Why should it matter to you anyway? You don’t give a damn about me or anything I do!”

“That’s not true,” Makoto says, her voice cracking.

Ami laughs again, the same bitter laugh. “If that’s the case, then why did you cut me out? Why didn’t you answer any of my letters? Why did you _ignore_ me for so long? What did I _ever_ do to you to make you treat me that way?”

Makoto bites her lip. “I can explain everything.”

Ami snorts. “Explain? No, there’s no need for that, because I already _know_ the answer.” She takes a sharp breath. “You are nothing but a _coward_ , and it breaks my heart to say it because you used to not be such a chickenshit.” 

Makoto balls her hands into fists. “YOU’RE ONE TO TALK! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO GET BACK AT ME BY ACTING LIKE A SLUT!”

Ami grows still. Then tears begin leaking from her eyes. They course down her cheeks in slow, painful trails that meet at the bottommost of her chin. Her brow creases as she bites back her sobs. Her shoulders begin to quake.

Then she slaps Makoto.

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

The girls sat around the fire, each raising a hand with all five fingers up. The flames were full and cracked and popped, lighting their faces orange and toasting their knees. From a creek nearby came the chorus of frogs. Woodland resonance untouched. Marshmallows hung from twigs, bloating in the heat. Laughter and the rustling of leaves.

Minako wiped a bit of chocolate from her mouth and sucked on her thumb. “Alright. Never have I ever scored lower than a 40 percent on a math test.”

Everyone except Usagi burst into giggles. “That was low,” Usagi whined, folding a finger. “As if you did any better!”

“All’s fair in war, babe,” Minako purred. “’kay, your turn, Ami.”

Ami took a bite of her s’more and chewed slowly. She furrowed her brow.

“Ooh, she’s got something good,” Rei said. “I can feel it.”

“Shh, let her think,” Makoto said.

Ami looked up. Not a trace of a cloud in the night sky. “Never have I ever seen Titanic.”

“Whaaat!!!” Her friends exclaimed in unison. They all folded their fingers.

Ami blushed. “I never got around to seeing it…although my mom has the DVD at home.”

“That’s it. We’re having a movie night soon,” Usagi said.

Minako clasped her hands together. “Oh, you poor thing. We’ll get you fixed up right away.”

“What’s the last movie you saw?” Rei asked.

“Hmm…Space Odyssey?” Ami said.

Minako tilted her head. “That’s a pretty old movie, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, and it’s like five hours long or something,” Usagi said.

“Oh, but the cinematography is incredible given the time it was filmed, and the rich symbolism embedded in every scene is such a pleasure to deconstruct. Also, the film’s philosophy regarding humankind’s role in…” Ami trailed off when she noticed the awkward smiles directed her way. “I-I’m sorry. I’m just babbling again.”

“No you aren’t,” Makoto said, gently touching her friend’s arm. Ami blushed. “That’s the movie with the monkeys in the beginning, right? Where they start beating each other up with bones and stuff?”

Ami gave a grateful smile. “Yes, but it’s really more of an infringement than a brawl. Once the primates learn to wield bones as weapons, they begin driving out the other tribes to expand their territory.”

Makoto smiled back. “Not much different to people today, right? Except we use guns of course.”

Ami chuckled. “That’s right.”

“Okay, who’s up next?” Minako cut in.

“Me,” Rei said. “Never have I ever kicked a guy in the nuts.”

The girls looked at each other expectantly. Then Makoto groaned and folded a finger.

Minako gasped. “When was this?”

Makoto scratched her chin. “Ehh…that was right before I transferred.”

“What happened?” Usagi said.

“There was this dickhead in my class who’d go up to girls and snap their bra strings ‘cause he thought it was hilarious.”

“That’s like, sexual harassment,” Minako said, frowning.

Makoto nodded. “I know, right? I don’t know what the hell he was thinking when he tried that shit on me, but I did in him so bad he had to get hospitalized.”

“Good for you,” Rei said.

Makoto smiled sheepishly. “Long story short, I got expelled. His mom was a big willy of the board of ed so she pretty much had the principal under her thumb. But then again, I got to meet all of you guys so I guess my karma was pretty damn good!”

“Aw, we love you too, Mako,” Usagi said. “Also, thanks for bringing the skewers tonight. They were so good.”

“Oh my god, yes,” Rei said. “Those were better than anything that I’ve had at a restaurant.”

“Aw, get outta here.” Makoto said with a shy grin. “Actually, I’ve been tinkering with the recipe for a while, so it’s good to know they came out okay.”

“Isn’t it kinda messed up that baby animals taste so good?” Minako blurted.

The others looked at her as if she had sprouted a third eye. “What? It’s true! Case in point, we just put away enough lamb for like, ten friggin’ people. And it’s not just lamb. There’s veal, there’s suckling pig, there’s eggs…”

“Eggs aren’t babies!” Rei said.

“Well, they kinda are. They’re at least half a baby.”

“I guess you have a point,” Ami said. “An egg contains a zygote, which in and of itself is considered alive, but it only develops into a complex organism when fertilized by a spermatoid.”

“Yeah, but an egg still isn’t an animal,” Makoto said. “So you really can’t call it a baby by any stretch of the word. An egg is just…an egg.”

“Hey speaking of eggs, we should make omelets in the morning,” Usagi said.

Everyone cheered the idea.

Later that night, when the girls had retreated to the cabin, Ami stood on the deck, her arms resting against the wooden railing. The night air caressed her brow, and she sighed and smiled.

“Cider?”

She turned her head. Makoto stood close by, holding a mug in each hand. She had let her hair down, and Ami would’ve given anything to brush her fingers through those dark brown tresses. It certainly didn’t help how small and tight that pink t-shirt looked on Makoto, or that her jean shorts barely covered any leg.

“Thank you,” Ami said, willing her voice to be steady. She savored the cider’s aroma before taking a sip. “Wow, this is lovely. Did you also make this?”

Makoto shook her head. “It’s actually from the mill down the road. Mina’s dad’s pretty chummy with the owner so he always gets dibs on the first batch.”

“Mm. It was very nice of her parents to let us stay here for the long weekend.” She sighed. “I really needed this.”

Makoto came up to the railing to stand beside Ami. “You okay?”

Ami nodded. “I’m fine.”

“You let me know if those guys give you shit again, okay? Fucking morons. I can’t believe they’d spread rumors about you cheating on exams. Like, really?”

Ami smiled. “I don’t think that will be necessary. You’ve done a splendid job scaring them shitless.”

“Whoa.”

“Hm?”

“That’s the first time I’ve heard you curse.”

Ami blushed and stifled a giggle with a hand. “You’re a bad influence.”

“No, that would be Rei. She swears like a trucker.”

“Alright then. You both have corrupted me.”

Makoto laughed, the deep timbre of her voice setting tingles on Ami’s skin. She watched as her friend raised the mug to her mouth and drank deeply.

Oh Mako, if you only knew…

“Something on my face?”

Ami flinched. “Oh no…I…I just zoned out for a second.”

“You zoned out? Man, that’s another first. I guess Usagi’s also been another bad influence, huh?”

“Oh, you!”

Makoto laughed as Ami made to smack her arm.

 

* * *

 

It stings. It stings so much that it burns. She is caught dead center in something all too familiar, a moth-eaten fixture of all the sappy dramas and rom-coms she’s binged on weekends past. All that needs to follow is a teary insult or accusation or some variation of a how-could-you and the scene is complete.

But Ami just storms away, the click clack of her heels like a knife against a chopping board. Hand still on her cheek, Makoto can only stare as Ami makes her way to the parking lot, her figure growing smaller and smaller, as if her very being was dissolving into the night.

A whack on the shoulder shakes Makoto out of her daze. Wincing, she turns to Minako.

“Don’t just stand there, dumbass!” the blonde fumes. “GO AFTER HER!”

Mumbling an affirmative, Makoto breaks into a run and dashes through the parking lot. She sees Ami up ahead maybe five or six meters away and pumps her arms to catch up. When she gets to Ami, she is panting, her bangs matted against her forehead.

She takes Ami’s arm. “Wait.”

Ami twists away and starts walking faster. Again, Makoto grabs her. She whirls Ami around so they’re face to face.

“Look,” Makoto begins, but hisses when Ami thumps her arm. “Hey, stop. Don’t…hey…just…WILL YOU JUST CALM DOWN FOR A MINUTE?”

“NO!” Ami screams and starts beating at Makoto’s arm. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” Her face is flushed and contorted, the tears gushing from her eyes. Locked in place, the women pay no heed to the onlookers from across the street, some watching with worry, some filming on their phones.

Ami tries again to escape, but Makoto holds fast. She snakes her free arm around Ami’s waist and pulls the smaller woman into a tight hug, her eyes squeezing shut as the blows start raining down on her sides and her back.

“LET GO! LET GO OF ME!” Ami screams raggedly.

Makoto shakes her head and buries her nose into the crook of Ami’s neck. It’s all she can do to fight back the tears that are trembling in her eyes. A knuckle digs into her spine and she gasps, but the pain only strengthens her embrace. She opens her eyes and looks ahead of her. Street lights pale and deathly echoing one another down a stretch of cracked asphalt, leading to a distant point in a darkness so inviting in its promise of apathy. But pain jolts her again, and she feels baptized, reborn even, because she hasn’t felt anything so real in months.

I deserve this. I deserve every single bit of this. It’s the least I can do for her.

Ami lets out another gut-wrenching cry. She can feel her arms grow heavy, but she’s determined to keep at it until Makoto lets go. But all the same, she hates herself for hoping all this time that Makoto would come running after her. It’s incredible how eager she is to forgive everything at that moment from being held alone. Ami knows then that Makoto hasn’t changed. Only Makoto would stand for such abuse. Only Makoto could, because she’s always had to carry bruises for other people.

And so the blows taper off, and Makoto feels the shuddering of Ami’s shoulders as the smaller woman crumples into her arms, sobbing, the sound of it burning through her so deeply that she’d rather have been slapped again.

She strokes Ami’s hair and whispers “I’m sorry” over and over, even after the crying has stopped.

Then they are both quiet and they stand still together, the only sound between them the faltering hiccups that remain of Ami’s tear-sodden outburst.

Then Ami raises her head, her eyes glassy and unseeing. “I need to sit down,” she croaks.

Makoto slowly loosens her hold, her hands brushing down Ami’s arms until they slip away from her completely. Then she takes Ami by the wrist, gently, as if she were handling a china doll, and leads her to the nearest bench on the sidewalk.

They sit. They sit for a long time, neither uttering a single word, eyes downcast. A motorcycle growls past, filling the air with the stink of exhaust. From The Crown, the muffled sound of music and cheers and laughter. The low drone of the street lights. Fireflies looping in the tall grass behind them. A warm breeze.

Ami fingers the hem of her skirt as she watches a beetle scurry across the ground. “Why are you sitting so far away,” she finally says.

Makoto looks up. She gnaws the inside of her cheek before replying, “Just trying to give you some space.”

Ami sniffs, and draws a hand across her eyes. “Why? Am I that repulsive?”

Makoto sighs and clutches her face. Then she stands and goes to Ami and kneels before her.

“Ami,” she says gently. “Ami, please look at me.”

Slowly, Ami lifts her head, and Makoto feels a squeezing in her chest as she takes in eyes that are cob-webbed in red, their placid blue no more. She brushes away a stray tear with her thumb.

“Why do you think I hate you?”

Ami looks away. “After prom, you went out of your way to avoid me. You…you didn’t even come see me off when I left for school.” Her voice cracks and she draws a shaky breath. “Then you completely shut me out. I didn’t even know you’d left the country until Minako told me a month after the fact.” She sighs. “What was I supposed to make of that?”

Makoto reaches for Ami’s hand and is glad that her friend doesn’t pull away. She gives it a squeeze. “I’m sorry. What I did was wrong, and you have every right to be mad at me. But…” She drops her gaze. “At that time, running away seemed like the right call.” She chuckles dryly. “So you’re right. You’re 100% right. I was…I am a coward.”

Ami shakes her head. “I didn’t mean what I said.” She places her free hand over Makoto’s. “I’m sorry for hitting you.”

“And I’m sorry I ruined your night. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that…or tried to kill your date for that matter.”

“She wasn’t my date…and I think it’s safe to say that we both acted rather petulantly.”

Makoto smiles. “Maybe.”

Ami smiles back, and she wonders how she can manage it with the weight of unspoken questions bearing down her mind. Still, she has never felt more relieved, and drowsiness suddenly overcomes her. Before she can help it, a great yawn swells from her mouth.

Makoto rises. “We should get you home.”

“Oh no, I’m fine.” Ami says. She stands, but one step is all it takes to send her toppling into Makoto. The taller woman catches her, and she is suddenly overwhelmed from the first-love ballistics that are peppering her stomach. “Well…” She straightens out, unable to meet her friend in the eye.

“W-watch yourself,” Makoto mumbles. She smooths out a nonexistent wrinkle on her shirt before taking out her phone.

“Hey.”

“Everything alright?” Minako speaks through the line.

“Yeah, it’s all good. Listen, Ami’s done for the night so I’m taking her home, okay?”

“Ooh, I see the two of you have managed to reconcile.”

“Er…something like that.”

“Not too shabby, considering you almost ended up with an assault charge slapped on your royal ass.”

“No need to kick me when I’m already down.”

“Oh, was I being snarky? I apologize. Seriously though, you really gotta learn to chill the fuck out.”

“I know, I know. I’m prone to fucking up and I’m sorry. I really am.”

“Well then. I’ll be sure to let the others know where you’ve gone. Have fun with Ami… and expect a press conference tomorrow.”

Makoto gives Ami an apologetic smile before walking away a few paces with a hand cupped over her mouth. “Dude, don’t even go there. I’m just gonna take her home, get back in the cab and go straight to your place.”

“Right.”

“Mina, c’mon.”

“How’s your face?”

“It’s fine…and don’t change the subject.”

“You took it like a champ, sista.”

“We’re not gonna do anything.”

“I told you things would work out.”

“I don’t even know what you’re saying. Anyway, tell Usagi and Rei that I’m sorry for bouncing so early. Let’s all get brunch tomorrow or something.”

“Sure, I’d like that. And Mako?”

“Yeah?”

“You lose 100% of the miles you don’t drive.”

“…I’m hanging up now.”

“Love you too. Buenas noches, babe.”

Makoto snorts and ends the call.


End file.
